...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
Thanks to my buddy Chris for this. The answer to the burka question is "No, why don't you go to Giant Taliban and buy some bit of bum pads?"